Friday, May 20, 2005

Dapper Dan, the stank-ass bus man

Dude, Dapper Dan, I'm not saying this to be a dick. You are by far the best dressed man on this bus, there's no denying that. I can't believe the suits you wear, matching the trench coats, hats and shoes--it's really quite amazing. But you're taking too much care of them, and it's killing me and all the passengers around you.

The first time I saw you, one crisp winter night, heading east on the #10, do you remember? I looked up, shocked at your amazing (and old-school) fashion sense. I swear I should be so lucky to be as dapper when I reach my 60s or 70s. You must've been the equivalent of a metrosexual back in the 1950s.

But it seems that as we age we lose some of the faculties we once took for granted. Hell, I wear glasses now and I'm only 29... but that's beside the point.

The point is that I have a question. On that winter night several months ago I was shocked that someone as well dressed as you would be getting on the bus at such a late hour. And you sat in front of me and I was like, 'how cute' and 'you old devil you' and so forth... I was really impressed. But with you, like a brick wall of foul, came such an intense smell that I was caught off guard. If it were B.O. that'd be one thing... that's expected, and I've done my time on the 15--some of those people have brought tears to my eyes. You didn't have the signature pit-stink that can be found on buses, light rails and subways from coast to coast; what you had was a smell I remember from my childhood (and a couple fever dreams I'm sure). You, sir, reek of mothballs.

Now, I understand that it's probably a generational thing, and that you're just trying to protect the fine wool suits that you wear so well. But can you even smell it? I've seen you many times since that first night, mostly going west in the afternoon, bearing your signature awesome duds, and the foul, retched mothball musk. But when I see you now, I know better than to park my ass anywhere near you. I sat five rows behind you today and could still smell mothballs, though, admittedly, fainter than usual. Of course, it was hot and the vent window above you was open.

So, I must ask you, Dan, can you smell it? Or has your life rendered you so olifactorily challenged that you must torture your fellow passengers? Is there a chance you can tone the smell down a bit? I'm thinking that after all of these years the moths stay away from your house instinctively anyway.

C'mon Dapper Dan, I'm asking nicely here: throw this old dog a bone...

This made me laugh

Did you hear about the guy in Tennessee or Kentucky (or some southern state) who decided not to run "Monster in Law" in his movie theaters because Jane Fonda was in it and was against the Vietnam war thirty-plus years ago? Am I the only one who thinks this is hilarious? It was the number one movie last weekend, but because of his PatriotismTM, he missed out on all that moola...

Don't get me wrong, I don't question his right to air what he sees fit in his theaters. It's his business and he can do what he wants to with it. I also hear that the movie is pretty shitty, but give the public what it wants I suppose (that's how business works, right?). What makes me laugh, though, is that over thirty years ago an actress publicly spoke out against a heinous war and the atrocities committed therein. And this True PatriotTM decided that, well, "THAT JANE FONDA MUST BE STOPPED!!!!" Yep, she's pure evil. And he seems like a total jackass.

But that's just my opinion, and one of millions.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Goodbye Cruel Blogosphere

Thanks for all the memories.

What're you lookin' at?

Friday, May 13, 2005

The Purge of the Hooker Stories, Pt. 2--Hook Interrupted

Colfax and Elm Rite Aid, if I ever need a hooker, I know where to find you!

I'm waiting for the 15 on a sunny winter day, shades blocking my eyes from the damaging rays of the sun, headphones blocking my ears from the damaging noises of Colfax, but nothing to save me from the stink-eye of Hook Interrupted and her Pimp.

Hook b-lines across Colfax when I notice her: tight jeans that must be painted on, cleavage-creating shirt, and a face that also seems painted on. A five-foot-two hispanic woman who has lived a hard 40 years, with lips blown up like two very glossy pink bike-tire tubes.

But she isn't b-lining towards me, so why don't I mind my own stoopid bizness, huh? Moving on then (holy shit, three more minutes till my bus is scheduled to arrive!!!), I pace and do everything I can to avert my eyes from the black Lexus in the parking lot about 25 feet away from me. Nothing to see there, I'm just whistling to my headphones, humdedum-dedum... But come on, this is a bloody train wreck and I'll be damned because it's too funny. If I just nonchalantly look over, then avert my eyes, and use my peripheral vision, no one will be the wiser.

What the...

The car's pulling away, and Hook is now walking with determination in my direction. There's about three feet between me and the bus stop bench and she decides to thread the needle. Being the gentleman I am, I shift to give her more room, when I notice she's headed to a guy who's about 10 feet behind me. They have an animated talk, her arms are flailing, and I start to feel a bit uncomfortable. I turn my music down and realize it's all spanish and way too fast for me to know what the fuck they're saying, but she's stink-eying me like a motherfucker and he seems to be calming her down, telling her to relax... shit, I don't need this.

After what seems like an eternity, he crosses the parking lot in one direction, and she does in another direction. Do I dare breathe... it may be my last chance.

Fear, shock, and impatience. I see the bus barrelling down Colfax on the horizon. Never before has the 15 seemed like the cavalry... and hopefully, never again.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Bus stop

I used to live by Colfax and Elm. That was where my bus stop was anyway. Colfax tends to be pretty interesting, especially at 1:00 in the afternoon (or morning for that matter) when most people are at work (or sleeping in the case of the morning). And East Colfax is by no means an exception to that rule--in fact, I think that rule was made up specifically for East Colfax.

Picture this, 1:00 on a winter afternoon, and I'm at my bus stop facing Colfax, behind which is a Rite Aid with a huge parking lot and a drive up prescription kiosk (much like the drive up tellers at a bank). Hookers to the left of me, druggies to the right, there I am... uh, waiting to go to work. I'm in my black wool trench coat, being that it's winter and all, and wearing "business casual" attire... looking all dapper and stuff. I look to my left to keep an eye out for my bus, my headphones drowning out the sounds, my cigarette keeping me company and my demeanor conveying happy isolation from whatever's going on around me; but I'm also smart enough to keep aware of my surroundings and I keep an eye on the wheelings and dealings of this microcosmic freak show.

Two girls are walking towards me, kind of homely and fully clothed, decked out in thick coats to beat the weather. They don't seem like anything special. One is wearing a lot of silver eye makeup, which I find odd, while the other seems to be sporting the natural look. But I'm not one to judge women's makeup choices... they're young and can grow out of their bad habits; besides, what business is it of mine. Anyway, for simplicity's sake, they will be called Silver and Natural from here on out.

So Silver and Natural walk by me with a slight smile and sit behind me at the bus stop bench. I finish my cigarette and stamp it out. I pace, because that's what I do when I'm waiting for my bus. Then I notice a crappy little car zoom into a parking spot directly behind the bus stop. O.k. The bus is coming (holy crap it's about time!), and I see Silver move to the car out of the corner of my eye. She bends at the waist and puts her head to the window, a la GTA or Cops or any number of cliche hooker scenes or what have you, and begins talking to the driver.

The bus pulls up as Natural sits nonchalantly on the bench, and Silver continues having a word with crappy car guy. I get on the bus and show the bus driver my pass... he's looking over my shoulder and just slowly shakes his head with a slightly disgusted but somewhat amused smile on his lips. I take my seat and the curiosity takes over: I look at the bus stop as we pull away and see that Natural is casually (act natural, nothing to see here!) walking away from the bench, while the car and Silver are nowhere to be seen. I must have laughed out loud despite my efforts to take it in stride, but I'm pretty sure the bus driver would silently concur if he heard me...

Anyway, I finally figured out why this Rite Aid has a drive-thru prescription kiosk. It's all about the convenience of one stop shopping. You can get a hooker and your penicillin without ever having to leave your car... what a country! God I miss the Colfax bus (sigh).

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Sick of the 2-party system; consider the alternative

englishelection

Careful what you wish for.

Update... England may not take the fall

Interesting news. The judge threw out her guilty plea because that Graner guy took the leash picture as "training" material. His testimony contradicted hers, leading the judge to conclude that she didn't know that what she was doing was illegal.

How bout that?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Pvt. England Pleads Guilty; Taking the Fall for the Man

When the pictures made it to the American press, I was disgusted by what I saw. I couldn't believe it, I knew there would be retribution (ie, beheadings), and I knew that the girl in the pictures was screwed. And she returned to the states, pregnant with her superior's child, and I realized that she already had been, but it wasn't going to end there.

A couple of points of interest from the article in YahooNews (that I tried to link, but had issues with):

"Graner [the purported ringleader and father of England's child] was convicted in January on a range of abuse charges and sentenced to 10 years in prison. Last month, he married former Spc. Megan Ambuhl, an Abu Ghraib defendant who was discharged from the Army without serving prison time. Graner had another man stand in for him in the marriage-by-proxy April 12 near Fort Hood."

and

"England's lawyer Rick Hernandez said last week that the defense will present evidence during the sentencing that England has severe learning disabilities and mental problems. He said there had been no decision on whether she will testify."

What... the... fuck???

All of the sudden I lost sight of my scorn and felt severe sympathy for this girl. This backwoods hick is taking the fall. She did some attrocious things, there's no denying that, but I believe the orders came from higher up than the prosecution is willing to go. And the ones at the top are rubber when it comes to blame. The buck stops with Private England. And who knows what else is going on at Gitmo...

This 21-year old (or was she 20) was manipulated by her superiors and friends, and she succumbed to peer pressure, and now she's likely going to prison for a few years; meanwhile she's a single mother, and that Graner guy gets slimier with every new fact I learn about him. And the abuses continue, and top military brass and Alberto Gonzales (who defined "torture" for Bushco) are absolved of any wrongdoing. And wasn't it Rummy who compared it to Fraternity hazing... I don't think Brother Vomit-chops of Sigma-Delta-Fuckall is going to prison for years over some pranks he did a couple years ago. But this poor girl is. She deserves punishment, I admit, but she really looks like a scapegoat to me... where's the justice?

Jesus, I guess I need to look away from this train wreck before I start to take it personally.

Oh joy, look: there's that "Runaway Bride" story... Jesus Christ if that isn't the stupidest fucking thing in the world... But I'm sure that saga's more important to the mindless masses. Much more entertainment value!

Deep breaths... breathe...

Ok, I'm done.